How Fighting with Your Partner in Front of Your Kids Can Impact Them

The Reality of Fighting with Your Partner

No matter how healthy the relationship, two people living together are eventually going to have disagreements. Parents are no exception, and the occasional squabble is to be expected. Fighting between parents becomes problematic, though, when it escalates into heightened conflict. Research indicates that high conflict parental relationships can have a negative impact on the children. Do you know how to handle your disputes in a way that is healthy for your family?

How Fighting Affects You

Whether you are physically fighting or just having a heated argument, it takes a toll on your body. Because of the well-documented fight or flight response that all humans have, your body will have certain physical reactions. Because your body will need more oxygen, your breathing rate will increase, and you may feel like you are choking or suffocating, or you may experience chest tightness and pain. The blood supply to your head may decrease, making you feel dizzy and lightheaded, and it may even blur your vision. You may experience dry mouth, nausea, and diarrhea because of increased digestive activity, and your large muscle groups may tense up, causing you to feel exhausted, with aches and pains. You might even tremble or shake.

How Your Fights Affect Your Children

When parents fight in front of their children, it negatively affects the children, too. It increases their stress hormones, disrupts the way they process emotions, hampers their cognitive performance, and increases their risk of depression. Seeing their parents fight makes children feel insecure and concerned about the stability of their family, and it can damage the relationship between the parents and children. Frequent or intense fighting creates a frightening stressful environment, and it can interfere with their normal, healthy development. Worse, parental conflict can cause long-term mental health effects. Children whose parents fight often may experience decreased cognitive performance in the long term and can limit their ability to form healthy relationships. It can lead to behavioral problems like increased aggression and delinquency and has even been linked to issues like eating disorders, substance use, and a negative outlook on life. There is extensive research to show that a high-conflict environment in childhood can lead to a host of problems in adulthood.

Mitigating the Impact of Conflict

So, what can you do to create a safe home environment for your children? People have disagreements, but it is important to manage your disputes in a way that is healthy for all involved. Start by trying not to fight in front of the children. If you find that a discussion is beginning to get heated, take a time out to regroup. Model effective problem solving strategies, and refrain from destructive practices like name-calling, insults, threats of leaving, physical aggression, giving the silent treatment, or just giving in. Rather, talk to your partner in a calm moment and agree to certain ground rules, like taking turns to talk, validating each other’s feelings and point of view, and being respectful and courteous. If you do argue in front of the children, talk about it with them. Reassure them that it is not their fault, and it is not an indication of bigger problems. Let them know you are still a strong family, and that people can love each other, even if they disagree. If you feel like you cannot control your disagreements and remain respectful, seek counseling to help you resolve your differences and find productive solutions.

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